


out of touch (the world calls for you to stay)

by beaujes



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, But I'm working on it, F/F, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, and i didn't post it because idk, anyway let me know if i should tag this with anything else, but don't worry it's all good, i haven't yet been able to write full happy endings, i mean it's a hopeful ending, i wrote this sometime last year i think, this is fanfic based on Sunny's (whythinktoomuch) AU AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-12-02 02:23:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20969621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beaujes/pseuds/beaujes
Summary: "Kara hasn’t slept well in a long time. She didn’t sleep much at home, and this world is no different. The only thing that really keeps her going is making sure that the other Kara has a good life to return to. So during the day, she dutifully goes to CatCo and writes the bright and hopeful articles that Kara Danvers inspires people with, and at night she gets to shed her persona and take her frustrations out on the few people who still dare be a nuisance to National City. Sometimes, when things are too quiet, she flies to a nearby city, or maybe a very distant one, just to feel less stuck in a place where she doesn’t belong. The world is still big and full of things she doesn’t know, and that’s good. It grounds her."- a fanfic of Sunny's brilliant AU AU that imagines what a very depressed og!Kara could be feeling while she's stuck in this alternate universe, and how she might cope with those feelings.





	out of touch (the world calls for you to stay)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Out of time (I felt you in my legs before I ever met you)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15146159) by [whythinktoomuch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whythinktoomuch/pseuds/whythinktoomuch). 

> I actually wrote this AGES ago but I never shared it because I wasn't sure if a fanfic based on someone else's fanfic was something one posts on ao3? But I realize there's literally an option you can check if the work is inspired by another work, so... why not? 
> 
> I honestly completely forgot I wrote this until I went in my fanfic folder and saw the title and was like, oh yeah, I did that! But anyway, Jill's "we need to talk about kara" hit me square in the chest and I've been struggling with severe depression for most of my life, and so I thought I could also share something similar to that (but with none of the therapy cause I know jackshit about therapy). I feel like anything hopeful I share with people might also help make me feel better, so I'm trying this "sharing my feelings through my art" thing. Even though this was written last year, it definitely echoes the kind of thoughts that my mind gets stuck in even now, so it's definitely relevant. 
> 
> Anyway, I'm rambling and no one reads notes that are this long. The REAL point here is: go read Sunny's fic! It's the best concept for a story I've ever seen and deserves all the kudos and nice comments!!!

Kara hasn’t slept well in a long time. She didn’t sleep much at home, and this world is no different. The only thing that really keeps her going is making sure that the other Kara has a good life to return to. So during the day, she dutifully goes to CatCo and writes the bright and hopeful articles that Kara Danvers inspires people with, and at night she gets to shed her persona and take her frustrations out on the few people who still dare be a nuisance to National City. Sometimes, when things are too quiet, she flies to a nearby city, or maybe a very distant one, just to feel less _stuck_ in a place where she doesn’t belong. The world is still big and full of things she doesn’t know, and that’s good. It grounds her.

But she can’t lie to herself at night, when no one is around to see her crumble. The idea of _disappearing_ has been on her mind for a long time, longer than the Daxamite invasion, longer than failing her midterms when she was fighting with Alex and felt like she was ruining everything for her older sister. Truth be told, Kara has wished for it ever since she was stuck in her pod, those long years of _nothing _which forced her to relive her worst memories over and over again. Everything she loved, gone. She could have gone with them. And with every day that passes, with every glimpse of the exhaustion behind Winn’s eyes, with every glass of wine she hears her sister pour, with every sob from Lena’s bedroom, the decision just feels _right_.

So the idea isn’t something that Kara hasn’t had to fight against for most of her life. But it’s different now, it’s different _here_. While at home she could ignore the dark thoughts snaking their way through her mind and coiling around her needs and wants, their direction is new. Kara doesn’t really want much for herself, anymore. But what she does want, more than anything, is for her loved ones to be happy. So as she’s listening to the soothing sounds of National City in the night, keeping an ear out for trouble and turning the whole Mxyzptlk thing around in her head for the millionth time, what she thinks is a solution hits her. The imp is punishing _her_ for what happened back on her Earth. _She’s_ the one who is meant to suffer, that’s what this whole switch is about. But what she hadn’t realized until now is that just because she’s suffering, it doesn’t mean anyone else has to suffer, too. Mxy wants revenge on her, so what if she gives it to him?

The idea is almost a relief. She would be at peace; the other Kara would eventually be returned to the right world. The people back home wouldn’t have to deal with the husk that Kara had become in those last months. They’d be free of it. Of her.

But it’s… not easy to let go. She flies around the city for hours, trying to memorize the sound of the waves hitting the pier at the docks, catching bits and pieces of conversations, lets herself shed a few tears for the human lives she’s going to miss, for the scent and _feel_ of planet Earth. For the air filling her lungs. She zones in on Alex’s calm and steady heartbeat, which tells Kara that her sister had something to drink before bed since her sleep isn’t plagued by nightmares. She listens to the excited _whoop-whoop_s that Winn lets out when his team wins a round in his favorite video game. She peeks in the boss’s office at CatCo, finding Miss Grant still hard at work even though she’s sent everyone else home for the night.

And as she’s nearing her destination, she allows herself to tap into a now more familiar heartbeat, listen to its different, but no less soothing rhythm. Lets herself imagine for a moment what it would be like for her to now be flying home, instead, to her apartment (_their_ apartment), settling in for the night. How her girlfriend might wake up for a few moments to make sure that she’s okay, pressing a sleepy kiss to her jaw and going back under the covers where Kara would soon join.

Under the cover of the night, Kara feels like she can admit to herself that she’s had these thoughts before, longer than when she first heard of this other Kara’s relationship with Lena. And if she’s being _really_ honest – because at this point, what has she really got to lose – longer even than when she switched places with her alternate self. Maybe they’re more alike than she thought. Maybe there’s just something about Lena that will always pull Kara in. Maybe she’s felt differently about Lena this whole time but was too afraid to admit it to herself. But the _maybe_s don’t matter anymore, and getting stuck on _what if_s is dangerous, so she forces her ears away from Lena and focuses instead on the National City University radio station that’s playing lo-fi music in an effort to keep the students cramming for exams or pulling all-nighters to write last-minute essays awake. She’s missed it, hasn’t listened to it in forever, and she’s surprised – and maybe a little bit relieved, too – to find that some things stay the same, even after many years and literal universes away.

She touches down on the penthouse balcony so softly that at first, she wonders if she’s still hovering. Scanning the apartment with her x-ray vision, she very easily finds and disarms all the alarms that she expected to find. With the last of them down, Kara pries the lead door of Lena’s personal vault open as gently as she can, leaving only the barest imprints on the cool, solid metal, then closes it behind her.

It’s smaller than she expected, only a handful of gadgets and artifacts very neatly stored for protection. There are, however, papers scattered on every available surface, half-finished blueprints of technologies Kara knows are way beyond anything Earth has ever seen and veering a little too much into Kryptonian levels of advanced than Kara is comfortable with, but. If she trusts anyone with this kind of knowledge, it’s Lena. Plus, the fact that they’re stored here and not at L-Corp lets Kara know that Lena is very aware of what the consequences of letting the world have these things would be. There’s a rush of affection in her chest at the thought, and Kara is so grateful for the good in Lena Luthor shining so bright, so readily apparent in everything she does.

Kara finds the object she’s looking for with relative ease, being the only thing encased in a lead-lined briefcase. Even though she can’t feel it through the container, it still makes all the hairs on her body stand up in alarm. She ignores the panic rising in her body and walks up to it. Just as she’s about to pick it up and leave, Kara hears the vault door open automatically, the soft sound of bare feet on the cold floor following.

“Kara? What are you doing here?”

She turns around to a barely awake and very confused Lena standing in the doorway. Kara attempts to quickly move away and snatch the briefcase with superspeed, but Lena’s eyes immediately zero in on what she’s doing and the sleep in her eyes is suddenly gone, replaced by the most piercing and harsh gaze Kara has ever seen.

"Put that down. Now."

“No. I need it,” she lifts her chin and channels the best superhero pose she can muster without putting her hands on her hips.

Lena’s eyes turn even sharper if possible. She advances on Kara as if _she’s_ the one with superpowers and Kara is the weak human. But with how Lena is staring her down, even without the extra height of her heels, Kara is ready to entertain the idea that this universe has been hiding even more differences from her and that Lena has actually been a superhero all along.

“There is _nothing_ you would need that for without me, your sister, or the DEO knowing about it so that we can take the proper measures to protect you from it.”

And of course, Lena’s right, but Kara _needs_ to do this for her, for all of them, so she can’t back down.

“Look, you don’t know _everything_ about my world, just like I don’t know everything about yours. You don’t know what I can do with Kryptonite, and frankly, I don’t know why you care. It’s not like I mean anything to you, anyway,” she says more roughly than intended, all her recent frustrations coming out in an ugly word vomit that she knows is wrong even before she finishes.

Kara doesn’t need to look at Lena’s expression to see the heartbreak. She can feel it mirrored in her own heart.

“And how did you know I was here, anyway? I disabled all the alarms.”

It’s already done with, Kara knows, so there’s no reason to try to backpedal. Lena can obviously guess what she intends to do with the Kryptonite. She just needs to hurt Lena enough so that she lets her go.

“You may have disabled the alarms, but you didn’t disable the alert that lets me know when you get home,” Lena says in an unexpectedly soft tone. And _oh_, Kara hadn’t thought of that.

“Oh.”

She puts the case back on the shelf. Lena walks closer, taking Kara’s hands in hers.

“I know why you’re doing this. You think it will solve everything, that you’ll make everything go back to normal, but Kara, _you’re_ part of the normal. Yes, you’re not exactly the Kara we were all used to here,” she pauses to squeeze Kara’s hand reassuringly when she notices a small twitch of her eyebrow, “but you’re still _you_. There’s no question of a ‘good’ and ‘bad’ Kara here. You can’t just give up on us, give up on your family and friends back home, and expect things to be fine and for everyone to be happy.”

“But none of you are happy right now.”

“We’re… not. That’s true,” Lena concedes, “but that’s not because of you. And just think about your sister for a moment, the one you grew up with.”

Kara turns her head away and stares at a framed picture of Lena and Lex as kids, one of the few good memories of Lex that must have survived the passing of time. Lena continues undeterred, knowing that Kara is still listening.

“What do you think she’s doing _right now_? She is working day and night, with little to no sleep, trying to get her little sister back. And she _knows_ you and is probably terrified of you doing exactly what you’re trying to do. She’s scared of losing her sister forever.”

“She… they all probably hate me. I wasn’t- I wasn’t like your Kara, not in the last months before this happened. I treated all of them horribly, pushed them away. I don’t have a home to go back to.”

“Oh, Kara,” Lena gives up on leaving space between them and tackles Kara into the strongest hug she can manage. “They don’t hate you. They just miss you.”

The tears flow freely after that, Kara burying her face in Lena’s neck and clutching desperately at her soft sleeping shirt, the first _real_ contact that Kara’s allowed herself to reciprocate since she got here.

When Kara’s sobs subside, Lena softly disentangles herself and is about to suggest they move to the couch for a cup of hot cocoa when she feels more than sees Kara’s eyes on her lips, and suddenly, with a familiar rush of air, Kara is kissing her. Passionately, deeply, like she’s been waiting to do it her whole life. And it feels like _Kara_, so Lena kisses back, just as hungry for it, and then Kara is pulling away, looking dazed and guilty and ashamed.

“I’m sorry,” and with a whoosh she’s gone before Lena can even open her mouth to ask her to stay.

Lena holds her fingers over her still tingling lips, confused and hurt, and perhaps most of all missing the feel of Kara in her arms. Missing _her_ Kara, but also just missing Kara, in all the different ways that can be. Maybe they were more alike than she had thought. Maybe it doesn’t have to end in heartbreak if it’s irreversible. Maybe Lena just wants _Kara_, no matter which version of her it is. And maybe Kara wants her, too.

Maybe, across all worlds and universes, their love is inevitable.

**Author's Note:**

> Also I forgot something important!! I know that in Sunny's fic, parallel!Alex is sober, but when I wrote the fic originally I didn't know, and I didn't change it before posting it because I didn't know exactly how to change those particular sentences to something that felt as strong as those. Sorry about that!


End file.
